The Fire Within
by A.T. Seawright
Summary: Songfic, based on "When She Loved Me" by Sarah McLachlan. Felicity looks back on her relationship with Pippa. TSFT Spoilers, femslash, oneshot.


_When somebody loved me_

_Everything was beautiful_

_Every hour we spent together_

_Lives within my heart_

Gemma tells me I'll love again, but I am not so sure. Pippa was so many things, so many different things that so few people ever saw but me, her Felicity, who loved her no matter the cost, no matter the risk of utter scorn should anyone discover the love between us.

_And when she was sad_

_I was there to dry her tears_

_And when she was happy so was I_

_When she loved me_

I don't know how I'm supposed to pretend I'm still alive, how I'm supposed to move on and act as if I'm whole when part of me has died, is still dying at the thought that nothing in this world or any other can bring Pippa back to me. I will never again feel Pippa's skin, warm against mine, the softness of Pippa's lips. the purity and passion of her love. There is nothing that can describe this, nothing that can heal it. There are times I think I cannot live with the agony of it, that the pain will certainly tear the heart in me into so many pieces that it will never be mended.

_Through the summer and the fall_

_We had each other, that was all_

_Just she and I together_

_Like it was meant to be_

Before there was Gemma, there was only me and Pippa. We had and needed only each other, and the others were simply accessories. She was my dearest friend, my only love, and my constant companion. She was flawed, yes, but so am I, so are we all. I wish I had not turned away from her so quickly. If I could change but one thing in my life, it would be that. I think I could live with all else that has happened to me. There are so many memories, too, so many moments that come to my mind at just the very mention of her name. 

_And when she was lonely _

_I was there to comfort her_

_And I knew that she loved me_

"Ah, Miss Worthington. My deepest sympathies for the loss of your friend, Miss Cross." someone says, and I duck my head graciously in acceptance of the sentiment. But with that simple statement, I am taken to another time.

Pippa stands at the window, her eyes on the pulsating golden light of the setting sun. I am behind her, trying to determine what she's thinking. 

"It looks as if it would set the world afire." she murmurs, violet gaze fixed on the sunset. "I wish it would set me afire."

"I can do that..." I say, a rather inappropriate smirk spreading across my lips as I come to stand behind her, slipping an arm around her waist. She laughs, but her eyes are distant as she turns to face me.

"Can you, Fee?" she asks, her tone serious. "Would you be my fire? I have none of my own, you know."

"I will be what you want me to be," I promise, and she offers her lips for a kiss, which I give gladly...

_So the years went by_

_I stayed the same_

_But she began to drift away_

But it ended so swiftly, so soon. Gemma arrived, and in the thrill of the magic, Pippa and I were drawn apart. I never loved Gemma, not like I did Pip, but Pippa was so afraid I would, that Gemma would replace her in my affections. I tried to tell her that nothing could ever mean to me what she did. I think that Mr. Bumble's pursuit of her frightened her so badly that she began to doubt a lot of things she could have relied upon. We fought then, often, and it tore us both apart, both inside and away from each other.

_I was left alone_

_Still I waited for the day_

_When she'd say I will always love you_

And then she was gone, stolen from me in before I could carry through with all the beautiful promises I'd made. When Pippa died, I wanted to die myself. But I had to be strong, because it was expected of me, because it was needed of me, and because Gemma and Ann needed me. We had dangerous matters to attend to, and in that darkness, I pushed my sorrow to the back of my mind.

_Lonely and forgotten_

_Never thought she'd look my way_

Those were my darkest times, I believe. I have never felt so alone as I did in the months after Pippa's death. I could tell no one, could turn to no one to fill the emptiness left by her absence. When we found her again, I think part of my heart knew that she was not the same, that she never could be. But I wanted her to be so badly that I refused to believe it. Gemma never understood why, I do not believe. And how could she? For I certainly never told her of the love between Pippa and myself. I know she thought me blinded by my stubborn nature, but she will never truly understand, I suppose.

_And she smiled at me and held me_

_Just like she used to do_

_Like she loved me_

_When she loved me_

For a while, I honestly believed, or wanted to believe, that I had my Pippa again, that nothing need ever separate us. But when Gemma told me of Pippa's attempt to cross the water, and then of her bargain with the darkness, I knew. I do not know if I would have told Gemma the truth, eventually, had Pip not kissed me in front of all of them. But I cannot say I am sorry she did it, that I am sorry Gemma and the others know. 

But even Gemma and her magic cannot bring Pippa back this time. She is gone. Truly, eternally gone, and I shall never see her again, shall never hear her laughter, shall never hold her in my arms. I sometimes think I would trade my life for only a few more moments with her, happy, as we were before all of this. Perhaps it is better this way. I have always believed that nothing happens without reason. 

_When somebody loved me_

_Everything was beautiful_

_Every hour we spent together_

_Lives within my heart_

_When she loved me_

I loved her. I loved her so deeply, it did not matter whether the world would scorn us forever if anyone found out. We did not care. And now I can only mourn her as a friend, but I miss her so. This longing can only be akin to the swelling, gasping, desperation one feels when underwater. Only when you're underwater, you eventually come to the surface, and sweet air floods your chest. That, though, is something I will eternally desire, and eternally be denied. I will always be drowning, longing for the time when we walked together in the path we had chosen. And I will always love her.


End file.
